Alone Or Lonely?

A good question it was indeed. Good enough that after I answered my friend, I thought about sharing with everyone else who follows me. 

The truth is, I haven't felt lonely in a very long time. If this person would've asked me back in 2011-2014 the answer may have been entirely different, but as of 2015 - Today? The answer is no; it's scarce that I feel lonely. I love solitude; I crave it. I love being by myself on any given day at any given time. I use to spend my days in spaces that I did not really want to be in, and just tolerated them, and it would drain me tremendously. These days, I can no longer afford to go against myself and tolerate spaces I don't physically or mentally enjoy being in, and that's what most of my life has been before 2015; tolerating!

However, growing up I felt completely alone, isolated almost. I did not fit in at home, in school, or even the little jobs I use to work. Anyone who knew me knows I use to lock myself in my room and just listen to music all day. I had no one to talk to about what I had been feeling, and if I did, they didn't fully understand. I was raised in the projects, and in the projects-real life doesn't tend to take place, no one dreams and if they do they don't act on it, and no one was openly gay, and if they were—they kept it on the down-low when they acted on it. So for some time, I had to suppress what I've felt until I got to the age where I could adequately undo my childhood and fall in love with the parts of me that was lonely.

As I began to grow, I started to understand more as to why things have played out in my life the way that they have. I was/am "the first," you know, the first to go to college, the first to step foot outside of the US, the first to have big dreams, the first gay son, brother, cousin, and grandson. I understood no one could teach me how to be the person I wanted to be considering no one who came before I was gay or has done the things in life I dreamt of doing, or even thought the things I wanted in life were possible. Who could teach me these things? Lonely was the only thing I could be until I came to understand why.

As Erykah Badu said, "I was the designated driver of my crew - my family even. When I released that I started to actually really live." Same goes for me, as I accepted that a lot of who I thought I was had to be sacrificed for who I wanted to be, I begin to understand what my purpose and role were in life. And not that life became easier, but I became more open to the world and the universal language taking place around and inside of me, and I began to feel slight glide through life. Things that used to matter didn't matter as much. Like pain that I've felt or experienced, it didn't really need to be talked about with everyone I knew or made a big deal of because I understood why it took place in my life, to begin with. Same for heartbreak—heartbreak didn't feel like heartbreak anymore because I allowed people to come into my life, teach me what I needed to be taught, and allowed them to leave when it was their time to; learn to accept!

After talking more with my friend/follower, I learned that their past relationship was the cause of them feeling this way. I quickly thought to myself, "have I ever felt lonely after dating someone?" And I can't say that I have, (and I am not just saying that.) even when I think back to when I first started dating as a teen. I never felt the need to want someone in my space that much. There's no one I have dated that I think about and say to myself, "I want them back," honestly speaking. I have accepted and learned almost every lesson that has been giving to me through another. And as I just mentioned I opened myself up to the flow of life. I own no one and no one own me, and anytime something ended with me and someone I made sure we both had closure as to why things did not work out. 

Feeling lonely after a relationship is something I believe people go through? I cannot really say because I haven't been in a relationship just yet and maybe Relationship Antoine is different from Dating Antoine; I don't know. But what I can say is if you are going through a break up with friends, or a lover accept it and start getting to know yourself again. People are supposed to enter your life to teach, help and inspire you, and as much as you probably cannot see it at this/that moment, they've helped you in some way—say thank you. A Long-lasting relationship is ideal, but it isn't promised, people grow past one another, cheat on one another and love dies (I sound very anti-love. Yikes). However, appreciate that person when they are there in your existence and allow them to go when needed.

Not to sound disposable, just being honest. You will bring great pain to yourself trying to own or be own by someone. As my Dad told me, life goes on. Tomorrow will become today and this moment will be another chapter in your book. Stop trying to hold on to something or someone that simply needs to pass by. 

What is one of your loneliest moments in life? Share with me below.