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To Be In Control!

To Be In Control!

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What initially motivated me when I first started working out? 

After being asked this question, I thought for a minute, and I learned my initial motivation for fitness all came down to me wanting to be more in control of who I was, how I felt, and my existence. 

Fitness has taught me a many of things, one being no one can begin to help you if you are not willing to help yourself, FIRST! No one is going to give you a better body or healthy skin; it was entirely up to me to get this sh*t done. No matter how many trainers you hire, how many squats you do, how many weights you lift. If you do not have the mental compacity to dedicate yourself to what you want, or you are doing this for quick results, the results will not last. And lastly, in the real world, no one is going to hover over or check in with you to make sure you did what you said you were going to do. 

Coming from where I do, I felt like I had to forever depend on someone. I grew up in the Ghetto and pretty poor. I had to depend on my mom for almost everything. That is until things got pretty bad between us, and I was forced to take care of myself. 

But before then, my happiness, freedom, and loved all depended on another human being who wasn't at their best or living out their best life. So I couldn't begin to live out of mine. I never felt as if I owned my life, and I did not start to feel that sense of ownership until maybe when I was 18 years-old when I moved out of my mothers home. 

However, at the age of 19, after the death of my Mom (don't judge me. Or do.) I felt my sense of ownership for self-got a little stronger it was like once I lost my mom, I gained myself. It's weird. But I was still struggling with living for myself, for I am the oldest of 3 and an uncle. So for a short period, I had to learn how to be okay with just living for myself and not feel so guilty for moving after what was probably the most tragic thing that has happened in me and my sibling's life. 

I remember one day riding with a friend, and I was crying telling her, "I don't want to hurt anymore." "I no longer want to be sad about this." "I want to move on." I had to physically let myself know that moving on was an option and I do not have to hurt because I no longer had a mom, it is/was okay to accept this and the thought of not having her go. 

As I move forward with fitness, it has become more mentally stimulating finding out just how much I can push myself to get what I want and less about my fitness goals or how can I get a bigger or smaller butt? I guess you can say fitness has become less superficial and entirely mental. I've gained that psychological notion of "I own me." If I cared to look a certian way I am in control to do so. If I want a specific job or opportunity, I am in power to go out and get it or create it. 

Through fitness, I learned if I wanted something to take place in my life, I needed to discipline myself, create new habits and make it happen. I would think back to when I was 16-20 and remembering how bad I just wanted to have full custody of me, or how independent I wanted to be and that inspired me to keep up and at it. I learned that I am never a victim of my circumstances. That if I continuously take what people and life are giving me, that I do not want, I will always look and feel like sh*t. I discovered I needed to stand up and take control over what I allow and disallow to happen to me. Fitness has become that thing that has helped me shape up both physically and mentally and altered how I looked and felt about life. 

I got to the point where I no longer wanted help, I just wanted to live for me and only for me. I wanted my struggles to be my struggles, I wanted my failures to be my failures, and I did not want to be responsible for, nor did I want to be accountable for anyone else. I wanted full control over me, and through fitness, I've achieved that. 

For so long, I had been connected and so intertwined with energies and spaces that drained me, areas that did not prompt me, encouraged me, nor inspired me. 

Never again, I am in full control of all of this!

What drives you to get in shape? Share with me below. 

-Ward

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